you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
