So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
