I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
