is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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