Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
