while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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