I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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