something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
