please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
