legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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