My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
