Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Damn victory sex feels great
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
