We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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