Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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