R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize