Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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