I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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