She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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