You made me cry and you don't even care
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
