Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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