ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
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just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
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I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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