Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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