Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
