it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She's the barista slut.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
