she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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