I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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