i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
