If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
