I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
