It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
