I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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