I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
