He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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