I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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