i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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