So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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