This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
