My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
