i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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