She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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