My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
