my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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