walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
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A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
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My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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