I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
