my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
