I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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