the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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