By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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