So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
