i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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