They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
