brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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