Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
