And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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