I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Randomize
