I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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