do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
