I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
