its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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