Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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