Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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