new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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