Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
